Mike Pence

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Pouty face!

Michael Richard Pence is a politician and “lawyer” currently serving as the 48th Vice President of the United States. Previously, he was the Governor of the terrible state of Indiana (2013 – 2017).

He was born and raised in Indiana which explains a lot. He went to a mediocre college, also in Indiana, and then he went to law school at Indiana University, though most thinking individuals in this country would argue that he knows nothing about American law.

Having zero personality to speak of, Pence ran for Congress twice and lost, so he took a break and got into conservative radio and TV – appropriate for someone with zero personality. Eventually, everyone was so bored of him, that they went ahead and elected him to Congress in the hopes that they wouldn’t have to hear him talk anymore.

Pence describes himself as a “Christian, a conservative, and a Republican, in that order” which leads many to believe that he has no place in a secular government, and they’re right. All signs point to Pence being a theocrat.

Eventually, in 2013, Mike Pence ran for Governor of Indiana and somehow, he won. The first thing he did was cut taxes – because there’s nothing Republicans like more than shirking societal responsibilities. Then, of course, he began to wage war on women’s uterine autonomy by making abortions as legally impossible as he could get away with. Next, he let everyone know about his raging boner for the Religious Freedom Restoration Act by signing it elatedly. Unsurprisingly, thinking people were angry with him for being a bigot.

On November 8, 2016, Pence was elected as Vice President of our no longer recognizable country alongside Donald Trump.

Early life and career

Pence was born in 1959 to normal Irish Catholic Democrats. Before becoming a born-again, evangelical wingnut, Pence was also a relatively normal Catholic Democrat. Unfortunately, in college, likely because he was in Indiana, he started shifting to conservatism – which is something that really doesn’t happen in better states.

In 1986, he graduated from law school and began hosting the very creatively-titled Mike Pence Show on the radio in Indiana.

House of Representatives (2001-2013)

In 1988, Pence ran for congress against the Democratic incumbent, Phil Sharp – and he lost. He tried again and lost in 1990. Since he’d quit his job to run, he decided to use “political donations to pay the mortgage on his house, his personal credit card bill, groceries, golf tournament fees and car payments for his wife” because that is exactly how one successfully gets elected.

During his 1990 campaign, he put out a nice, racist ad featuring an individual of Middle Eastern descent. When people pointed out that his ad was racist, he wrote an essay apologizing – likely because he still needed all of those campaign contributions to pay for his personal life.

Ten years later, Pence ran for the House of Representatives again and won the seat in 2000. Unsurprisingly, he latched onto the ludicrous Tea Party Caucus because that is what evangelical wingnuts did at the time.

You don’t really need any more detail about his time in Congress because he did exactly what you expect he did.

Governor of Indiana (2013-2017)

On January 14, 2013, Pence became the Governor of Indiana.

Fiscal and economic policy

As governor, Pence cut $24 million from colleges and universities, admitting quite conspicuously (though not verbally) that less educated individuals would keep him in office. In 2013, he blocked legislation that would require businesses to pay their employees a livable wage because favoring business owners over their employees is the best way to ensure that everyone has a fair shot.

Education

In 2014, Pence took a big old dump on public schools, probably because they don’t force children to pray.

Energy and environment

Mike Pence hates the environment as evidenced by his love of coal and carbon emissions. Like every other climate change denier, he is convinced that it’s a hoax and that even if it isn’t, the end times are coming so… who cares?

Guns

Predictably, Mike Pence thinks guns are a great idea.

Public Health

Despite Planned Parenthood’s efforts to provide HIV testing and prevention services, Pence defunded them in 2014. He also decided not to provide any funding to needle exchange programs because paying for people to not get AIDS just isn’t acceptable to conservatives.

Religion and LGBT rights

Upon signing the Indiana “Religious Objections” Bill (RFRA) into law, everyone began to realize that Pence had effectively legalized discrimination against LGBTQ individuals. Despite trying to explain that the law wasn’t about discrimination, everyone knew it was. Eventually, he gave in and amended the legislation to protect against discrimination, but only because he wanted to stay in office.

Abortion

Mike Pence is one of those people who think that fetuses are fully-functioning human people even though they’re not since they can’t exist without their mothers. Moreover, since Pence is an evangelical wingnut, he believes that women are evil, foul temptresses who are also possessions and who have no right to control what happens to their bodies.

Refugees

Although civility prevailed, Pence was very unhappy about the prospect of Syrian refugees resettling in Indiana – even though, let’s be real, a handful of Syrians couldn’t possibly make Indiana any worse than it already is.

Political stances as Vice President

Abortion, sex education, stem cells

Pence, as stated above, really hates abortion and Planned Parenthood, even though the organization provides much more than abortion – but he also hates women, so anything that would benefit them is a problem for him.

Pence is under the impression that abstinence-only sex education is a viable thing, even though most people with brains know that it’s not.

He also hates stem cell research, likely because he believes that God works in mysterious ways, and that sick people just shouldn’t be cured.

LGBT rights

Pence gonna Pence. He doesn’t believe that LGBTQ individuals are people who have the same rights as everyone else. He has even called for “an audit to ensure that federal dollars were no longer being given to organizations that celebrate and encourage the types of behaviors that facilitate the spreading of the HIV virus” and instead he advocated for ineffective and abusive “conversion therapy” programs.

Pence, for some reason, believes that every straight individual thinks the way he does, which is why he believes that having LGBTQ individuals in the military is threatening to “unit cohesion”.

Pence has also shown support for hate crimes against LGBTQ people by opposing non-discrimination acts. Somehow, he got it into his mind that church pastors could be “charged or…subject to intimidation for simply expression a biblical worldview on the issue of homosexual behavior” which isn’t something that would happen even though it really should considering how hateful the biblical worldview is.

Personal Life

Mike and his wife Karen met in law school. They have three children, which is a surprisingly low number considering how many kids evangelicals like to pop out. They started attending a bogus evangelical megachurch in 1995. Considering Pence’s disconnect with reality, he does not believe in evolution despite mountains of scientific evidence to support it. He is a silly little creationist man. To top it all off, he is afraid of women – absolutely petrified – so he adheres to the “Billy Graham rule”, a sexist method by which he avoids them at all costs…you know, because they’re temptresses who will tarnish his God-fearing man purity.