Donald Trump

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Donald John Trump is the 45th President of the United States, in name only. Before bullying his way into the presidency, he was a shady businessman and a talentless reality show personality. As head of The Trump Organization, the Donald made an undetermined amount of money in shady real estate dealings in New York, Las Vegas, and the seedy dump that is Atlantic City, New Jersey. Being a philandering creep, his ownership of the Miss Universe pageant allowed him groping access to beautiful women from around the world.

In June of 2015, America chuckled to itself when Trump announced that he would run for the office of president in the 2016 election. Surely, this was a publicity stunt. But alas, in mid-July, polls revealed that Trump was already on his way to being the GOP nominee. While relatively respectable conservatives were horrified by the prospect of a Trump presidency, they could not stop the wave of poor, uneducated, middle-American, white people from convincing themselves that some slimeball rich guy actually cared about them. They also could not stop the flood of hypocritical (surprise, surprise) support from the delusional, right-wing evangelical sector of the Republican party.

In May of 2016, Trump became the presumptive Republican nominee after Ted Cruz a.k.a. Fat Dracula, and Mr. You-Can’t-Abort-Fetuses-With-Down-Syndrome-Ever himself, John Kasich gave up and dropped out of the race. The Donald became the president-elect on November 8, 2016, as people with brains wept for the fate of their nation. Trump was inaugurated Dotard in Chief on January 20, 2017 in front of nonexistent crowds on the National Mall.

Over the time that Trump has been in office, it’s been established that no one likes him except for uneducated, ignorant white people from garbage states like Indiana and Idaho (see also: corn and potatoes).

Please note: There are not enough hours in the day to keep this page current. Go read the news.

Early life

Trump was born in New York City in ancient times. He is the son of Fred Trump, incredibly likely member of the Ku Klux Klan, and Mary Anne Trump, a lady from Scotland. As in the olden days, the Trump parents had entirely too many children, five to be exact. In the Trumps’ defense, in those days, you had to have too many kids, because at least one of them was guaranteed to die at some point. These days, however, having that many children just means that you’re either crazy religious or you just don’t understand the process that makes babies happen. In order to avoid being the child who died, Trump dodged the Vietnam War draft citing heel spurs.


Real estate

Having never done a hard day’s work in his life, Trump began his career with a loan from his rich father. Since then, he has developed many real estate projects and has pocketed cash saved from not paying the individuals, especially people of color, who he hired to do the jobs.

Beauty pageants

From 1996 until 2015, Trump owned a number of beauty pageants which allowed him to satiate his need for nonconsensual ass-grabbing.

Wrestling – the fake kind

Trump is a YUGE fan of WWE. This isn’t really important, but feel free to pass judgment if you must.

The Apprentice

In 2003, Trump started hosting The Apprentice on NBC – a reality show on which he “fired” people. He became such a fan of saying “you’re fired” that he has continued the practice while in office.