Dan Bongino

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Daniel John Bongino is a former United States Secret Service agent, failed Republican politician, and petulant man-child (who may also be a space alien). He was a primary candidate for Florida’s 19th congressional district in 2016 in which he finished dead last with a mere 17.39% of the vote. Prior to his move to Florida, he attempted to run for Maryland’s 6th congressional district in 2014, losing to Democrat John Delaney. In 2012, he lost to Maryland Democrat, Ben Cardin, for a seat in the US Senate.

Early Life and Education

Bongino was born on December 4, 1974 in Queens, New York. He attended the City University of New York for both his bachelor’s and master’s degrees in psychology, notably not in political science. He then went to Penn State to earn a master’s in being a glorified administrative assistant.

"Professional" Career

Bongino started out, in 1995, with the New York Police Department for four years, without any criminal justice education, likely getting a kick out of stopping and frisking minorities. In 1999, the Secret Service deemed him somehow qualified to become a “special agent”. In 2002, they took things one step further and gave him a position teaching at the Secret Service Training Academy in Maryland, despite not having any training himself in the field of education. In 2006, Bongino was assigned to protect professional idiot, George W. Bush. Once Barack Obama was in office for a while, though, Bongino decided to abandon the honor bestowed upon him. He left the Secret Service in 2011 to set out on a failed campaign for US Senate in Maryland – a state with a population entirely too reasonable to elect someone so unreasonable to office.

Bongino is also a vulgar radio commentator, peddling an ill-informed, my-way-or-the-highway sentiment typical of far-right idiots with microphones. He hosts a self-aggrandizing, completely lacking in substance, podcast during which he purports to take a massive dump on all left-leaning individuals in existence. In addition to clinging stubbornly to his senseless opinions, Dan Bongino is also a coward, unable to face opposition and only willing to talk to himself. He is skilled in the art of wet blanketry, shouting gibberish provided no one responds, and is having an affair with the block feature on Twitter.

Political Campaigns

2012 US Senate election

Bongino ran for the US Senate in Maryland in 2012. He lost.

2014 House of Representatives election

Bongino ran for the US House of Representatives seat for Maryland’s 6th Congressional District in the 2014 election. He lost.

2016 House of Representatives election

Bongino ran for Florida’s 19th congressional district…and finished dead last in the Republican Primary.

Political Positions

Bongino is a member of Groundswell, a conservative extremist organization seeking to eradicate any progress made in America.

He really dislikes the Affordable Care Act, too, but cannot give an honest reason why.

Books

In 2013’s Life Inside the Bubble, Bongino provides a hyperbolic account (under the guise of nonfiction) of his stint in the Secret Service. Despite the fact that an anonymous former colleague read the book and called him out for writing things that were patently untrue, Bongino insists to this day that there is nothing wrong with his “tale of the Secret Service”; not even the part where it isn’t based on fact.

His second book, The Fight: A Secret Service Agent’s Inside Account of Security Failings and the Political Machine came out in January of 2016 is improperly named. This book is actually a tirade about his political opinions and woe-is-me babbling about his failed political career.

Personal Life

Bongino has a wife named Paula, who is 100% out of his league. She has lupus, which is awful, and is married to Dan Bongino, which is equally, or more, awful.

Electoral History

Failure.